The Shift
For the first time since 2017. I would try. A recap of 2019. Finding my way back and recognizing the only way out is in.
Things began to change inside me. It
scared me. But, I noticed things began to change around me. In a
peaceful way. For the first time in eight years? I wasn't being
fair to those I loved and mostly, I wasn't being fair to myself. If
I allowed the changes, I would risk losing what I had. And, with
that said the year began.
It was a January evening. I was
driving into Albuquerque from a long shift in Santa Fe. I received a
call from my sister. Unable to talk about a bad day a work, I
quickly began to vent. she like many would only listen to my
conflicted mindset. I remember that evening she said, “I wonder if
I'll ever get the Cynthia I know back? You were always laughing and
crazy and funny.” For a moment I paused but quickly replied with
self pity, “That person is gone.”
By February, the shift was happening.
Those who had been on this journey with me since the beginning were
trying to hang on to that faith they had in me. I could either
continue my path or I could shift down that road where I would be
exposed and vulnerable. All this time I didn't allow anyone to love
me. I pushed them away by sabatoging my life. Surely they would
walk away given my recklessness (Many did). The scars were to deep
and I wasn't capable of loving anyone because I could not bear losing
someone I loved again, so it was easier to have them leave me no matter who they were.
I would eventually find that those individuals loved me anyway, and
today I smile when I think of each one of them.
April had come quick and things were
hard at work and causing me to lose my ground. Although my personal
life was coming together, I was questioning my abilities. The
pressure I was facing at the Penitentiary of New Mexico was real. My
shift and the facility where I was posted was manned by male officers
and supervisors. Seasoned officers. Even though I was learning to
shut off the emotions in my day to day efforts to prove I belonged,
the fight became too much. I had turned 50 years old. I had
sustained some injuries by this time and forced myself to go back to
the floor with my brothers despite my inability to perform at 100%.
My partner was carrying me and it was eating at me. A series of
events followed, eventually causing me to lose my head. By June... Just like
that I would leave the Department of Corrections.
Oooh yes, there were tears. This was
the one thing in my life that I worked the hardest for. I had made
it to the big house, but I found that was the easy part. It changed
me and failure was hard for me to swallow (and still is). Thing
is... I was fortunate to be surrounded by people who loved and
supported me and I was not allowed to dwell on it. In fact, for the
first time in years, I had the most wonderful summer and by fall
began to see this woman I once knew.
You see, it's important to remind
yourself of your strengths, but equally important to remind yourself
of the weeknesses (bad choices and ugly truths). Continue to thrive
in your efforts to be happy despite of it all and the shift is sure
to begin. One of our collective fears is being alone. But I found
that what has happpened to me, happened for me.
A year filled with bitter sweet moments
along with grace that reminded me that I was perfectly important.
The circle of life will continue and be certain that along with
success and happiness found, Failure and sadness will follow. I've said this before: I
believe that Rock Bottom is sometimes necessary for some. I also
believe that it is important to stay there a while (not too long)...
Then, find your ground and be Brave.
