Running from the demons - Part II

There is nothing more powerful than a changed MIND.

I changed my hair, my clothes, my home, and my body.  A drastic transformation took place outwardly but nothing inwardly changed.  Inside I was dieing.  That is the only way I can really explain it.  I was defeated and my spirit was broken and there were so many people who looked at me with sympathy, with sadness.  Why were they watching me so closely?  Why were they not interested in what he was doing, afterall he was the one who wanted out?  There were so many questions about what I was going to do and so much advice on how to handle a divorce.  I didn't know how to handle it so I withdrew.

Let me tell you something you already know.  Life is going to hit hard and I will remind you of that often.  It knocked me to my knees many times.  I left a comfortable job to continue in Mortgage Lending in order to survive on my own.  Things began to look up, I was making money, I bought a home and my son would be in his Junior year of high school.  Nine months later... I get laid off from my job.  I had never been let go from a job.  I remember that it was 15 days until Christmas when my boss gave me the news.  So... Either I could focus and start networking or give up.  I was upset... No wait!  I was pissed and why was god doing this to me?  Why did he continue to break me.  At that time I was in a battle with my ex-husband.  We were both unreasonable when discussing our son and it was taking a toll on us both.  Also, I was determined to stop him from having any happiness with the woman who I felt destroyed my life.  I couldn't take it.  I couldn't accept that I had lost all that I had worked for because of him.  Because I have never enjoyed purposely hurting people, I have always found it easy to forgive the people that hurt me and instead will take responsibility for why those people hurt me.  This was the demon in my head, the most powerful one of all.  I gave in to the thoughts in my mind and lost all confidence in myself and became timid in everything I did for the next six months.  I was on unemployment for the first time in my life.  My son was about to graduate.  He and I were struggling in our relationship.  He needed me but I couldn't focus.  I didn't want to, I couldn't be the mother he always had.  I wasn't right in my mind and only wanted to be where I didn't have to think about my life.  The only place that I was able to be myself  without judgement and questions was with the man I had been seeing for two years.  I had known him for many years and had been good friends but had crossed the line of friendship when my marriage ended.  He was the only one who didn't judge me.  He didn't expect anything from me.  There was so much chaos in my life and he knew that I was fighting my own demons and although he couldn't quite figure me out, I was beginning to see that he was on to the destruction that was headed my way.  Today,  I believe that he could see I was going to hit rock bottom, but allowed me to find my own way.

I used to recognize myself

I used to recognize myself, but I began to see my reflection had changed.  I never told anyone, but as much attention I received because of my transformation on the outside, I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror.  I knew I was going to lose my home, I wasn't even trying to save it.  My son graduated and my sister along with that dear friend were the two individuals who made it possible to give my son the celebration he deserved.  My son and I were not the same.  I could see it, but as I began to step in and question his behavior, he had lost confidence in me and ultimately the fall out took place.  He moved in with his father and I lost contact with him for six months thereafter.   I had nothing now and in the midst of all that was happening, I was engaging in a circle of people I trusted but was unaware that I was being led on a train that would eventually take me to a place filled with deceit, manipulation, and fear.

As disturbing as it is, I was finding success while I continued on the train of self-distruction.  I was once told by a very dear friend that I was a warrior.  The people who really knew me, whom  I refer to as The Fantastic 10", knew that too and were the 10 people who never gave up on me and are the men and women who ultimately saved me in the end.  But during this time these 10 individuals knew what I wanted deep down inside.  I became a Correctional Officer at age 44. I moved closer to my work which took me away from everyone for a full year.  It was the smartest thing I could have done at that time.  However, there was the other demon chasing me... I was alone.  I left my son behind, the place I called home for 25 years, the man I had fallen in love with, my other family in the gym where I spent most of my time and lastly, the friendships I had built throughout the years.  Although, my new career was flourishing and I had finally found my purpose, I was beginning to see clearly.  I was alone with myself in a small town and was beginning feel small pieces of life enter my body. 

God is working.... I could feel him.

God was fighting the demons that had taken over me.  I wasn't going to admit it, but I was beginning to accept being alone and not feeling fear inside.  I began to enjoy the quiet sounds of a small town.  I was enjoying the slow pace that was allowing me to heal.  But... I was pushing back.  No!  There was that "Strong Hold" that I was not ready to let go of.  God is only able to do so much in order to make you see his power.  I would have to decide whether to take his hand and believe in his plan for me or do it my way?  This was his first attempt to reach me.  I did turn away this time, but still I was beginning to seek answers for my behaviors?

The climb out of your most darkest moments will only begin when you are willing to stop running and turn around and face the demons that are running after you.  I always asked why?  It began when I lost my brother in 2003.  He was the one person who knew me.  I think he and my sister are the only two that really knew me.  Knew what I was all about.  I was always focused on how people saw me and what I could do to give of myself.  They always took care of me.  All three of us had a bond.  I think because we were never allowed to turn on one another as kids and our parents made sure of it.  When I got that call on that October 2nd 2003, I was told over that my brother had shot himself.  I asked how the accident happened? Self Inflicted.  I would later learn that my brother took his life that late evening.  He was about to lose his marriage.  In the heat of the moment he made that decision he could never take back.  I couldn't understand it, and it was then that I new something had changed inside me.  I began running and never stopped.  I kept so busy that I did not have time to look at myself and what began to take hold of me.  It wasn't until I moved back to my home town that I came to terms with that loss.  I refused to go through the healing process with my parents.  I held everyone responsible for his death.  Also, I couldn't bear to witness what my parents were going through.  So many years had passed and the guilt had been eating at me inside, but I just kept busy in order to avoid the subject with them.  After my divorce, I needed them but I couldn't connect with them and I pushed them even further away. 

God sends the first angel

It was March 2015 and I made the move to my home town for many reasons and I was broken in a lot of ways, but I was golfing, hiking and enjoying the quiet time.  However, I was missing my friends and my son.  It was also difficult leaving the man that had supported me for four years, but one day I decided that I would take an old friend who had come to spend time with me to check out the local gyms and we decided to start getting serious about our lifting again.  The owner of the gym introduced herself and immediately we were drawn to each other.  We had a common friend and her father who was also the owner of the gym was unforgettable.  As time went on, Ms. Cari and I began spending time together, training together, and enjoying our friendship.  However, I was fighting my past.  I couldn't break free and I was missing my son.  One day my new friend invited me to go to her church, but I quickly declined explaining to her that I could not bring myself to go.  I didn't feel worthy.  In the mean time Cari and her family were working on me and I will never understand why they were so eager to pray for me, pray with me, and guide me to gods grace.  It was a Saturday night and I was lonely and I decided I would go to church.  I cried the whole time.  But then I meet the two most amazing people... The pastor and his wife were drawn to me and for the first time felt like I belonged somewhere.  I was beginning to see clearly,  and I was enjoying my family and new friendships.  That winter, things changed.  I missed my life back home and my son and I were getting back to where we were.  He would visit regularly and I knew it was time for me to go back.  I knew I had to begin anew but I was still conflicted and was struggling within myself to accept that there were people I had to let go of in order to free myself an regain my self esteem.  Out of nowhere, there they are again.  My fantastic 10.  I am welcomed in to the home of my friend Sonya and her family so that I was able to adjust and take some time to decide where I would live.  I will always be grateful for all that was done for me.  Because of the chaos I was allowing to take over me, I spent the first six months back in the same place I was before I left except this time, I let go of all the things that were important to me.  I stopped my body building, I left the gym, I withdrew from everyone, including the man I was in love with and once again, I withdrew from god again. 

God sends the second angel

By this time, it was August, 2015.   My sister was worried and would ask me to pray.  I was trying and decided that I would need help to get through what I was experiencing.  One day, I turned to my friend whom I had known for over 20 years.  Karen had been through everything with me.  My marriage, my pregnancy, the loss of my brother, my divorce.  I was broken.  I didn't know how to overcome everything that was happening?  The truth is that I didn't want to.  It was that day sitting in her back yard, that I made the conscious decision to change my mindset.  When a man or woman is betrayed by people they believe in and love, it is a feeling that could damage the spirit and sometimes break the spirit.  It is however, hard to break the human spirit.  I was becoming aware of what was damaging me and I had to break free from what had a strong hold on me.  That day my friend prayed over me and it was that night I got on my knees and asked god to lead me.  There has been so many gifts since then. 

I begin to recognize who I am again

Do I understand my faith?  I can't answer that just yet.  I do know that I go to a Christian Church every Sunday, and I attend a Connect Group every Thursday evening.  I am proud of who I am as a woman.  I do good to people I love and not ashamed of it.  I am willing work with my hands to give to humanity.  I have replenished myself with strength.  I am not afraid and with wisdom share my story.  I know my purpose. 

The most powerful tool you have in your life is your mind.  That is why the enemy fights you in your mind.  The devil doesn't have to tie you up to bow.  He just has to tie up your head.  Listen to me you all... He tied up my mind and it made me physically sick because my mind was sick.  It is important to recognize what is taking over you as a human being.  The strong hold the devil had on me was my mind, fear of being alone, and the most powerful strong hold of all was keeping me away from god.  

It has taken a long time to finally accept the loss of my brother and find peace with it.  As I continue to grow and embrace who I am and my struggles, I am proud of who I am and know that God is a forgiving God and knows his plan for me.  It is my responsibility to find it.