Either I will find a way or I will make one - 2017

I WAS AWAKENED - PART I

It didn't go as planned, and that's okay.

It didn't go as planned, and that's okay.  So much is learned while we experience life.  Life is the only one that kicks you in the mouth and tests what you are really made of. If you think you are exempt, well then you are in for something special.  At the age of 23, you are full of optimism and dreams when it comes to finding love and what it will be like.  Living happily ever after.  Women dream of the white picket fence and if they say they don't, they are lieing.  Be certain that young women are still after it.

When I met him, it was definitely not love at first site.  In fact he and I were merely keeping each other company while my friend and his friend interested in one another.  It took a few dates before I decided to focus.  On him I mean.  He was conservative, something I was not. He was quiet, I was not.  He liked staying home, I liked dancing.  But, as we spent more time together, I began to settle in his ways and before I knew it, it was almost two years and I became pregnant with my now 21 year old son.  

Looking back now... I see how extremely nieve I was.  I guess I thought that it had to be the way it was with my parents.  I strived for perfection in a family, but inside there was no substance for what love was. You see,  love takes two, marriage take two, and divorce takes two.  Couples do not get where their at alone.  

I remember that my son was two years old and I knew I that I would only have him.  Subconsciously I knew that marriage was not for me, and so although my husband wanted to get married immediately following the birth of our son, I put it off for two years.  I must admit that I would still be married today because of my fear of failure.  

I was a good mother and wife.  Devoted to my family, like most women are.  Community and making an impact was my other focus. You will see that it has been the  focal point in anything I do.  But... as much as I loved my husband, he knew I couldn't love him like he needed and I didn't pay attention to what he was seeking until it hit me straight in the mouth.  

Pay attention

18 years later, I'm taken by surprise.  He takes the rug from under me by having an affair.  I still take a deep breath when thinking about that part.  I made sacrifices for my family and I never thought once to cheat, therefore, I expected the same in return.  18 years is a long time and I was 42 years old.  I gave 120% at anything I ever did and was successful.  I knew that I could fix this.  I was doing everything I thought he wanted of me.  Life was so busy for me back then and I remember that I worked at a job I hated and left my career in Mortgage Lending because I knew my husband wanted financial stability.  I was the President for the largest youth wrestling organization in the State of New Mexico.  Wrestling was one of the only things that brought my husband joy, and because I was always seeking his approval of me, I worked extremely hard to accomplish what his vision was.  It was never my vision, however, I became passionate about the sport and as my son got older and competitive, I became fully engrossed in it.  Lastly, my son was in high school and a time where parent involvement was necessary.  

There was no time for  anything  but work, wrestling, and raising my 16 year old son.  I don't recall ever thinking about what quality time I was spending with my husband.  It is only now that I see it. Whether men will ever admit it or not, they are very selfish when it comes to personal attention.  Men want their women to look good and do for them, but they want that without neglect.  It is hard for women to manage and balance career, marriage, parenting, home and sexuality all at once.  I neglected to see what he was missing because I was not connecting with him in that way anymore. 

The truth hurts

The events that took place following the shocking news would shape and start my journey.  Love, pride and failure will bring anyone to their knees... I didn't know how to handle it.  How could this woman purposely destroy a family?  So much blame and bitterness took over me.  It is important to say that any man or woman who have faced and will face this experience accept what is and know that we will never receive the answers we want.  And if you choose not to let it go, you will find only self destruction ahead. I did.  I paid dearly for it.  

It is difficult for men and women to build a strong bond with one another in today's world of Social Media.  My parents had challenges, but those challenges were substantially driven by financial hardships.  Raising three young children in a small town with only hard work in every aspect of living.  Trying to make their own adobe's to add on to a small one bedroom home.  Raising animals to keep us involved in 4-H activities, struggling to get us to our sports events as we lived 30 miles from the town we went to school at.  Hauling wood for the cold winters ahead and also to sell so that my parents were able to make extra money.  I remember that my parents were always united.  They were loyal to each other and it didn't matter if they agreed with one another or not, they stood as one.  There were no cell phones and in fact my parents did not have a phone in our home until we graduated high school.  It was a simple life.

Today, men and women are faced with insecurity, doubt, dishonesty, and untrusting  thoughts because of their fear of infidelity through social media.  Facebook makes it easily accessible to find old classmates, high school girlfriends, and maybe even someone you saw at a recent party that you were drawn to.  Instant Messaging allows you to reach out to that person.  That person in turn replies and the game begins. 

As the years have passed and I reflect on contribution to a marriage that ended.  It is hard for anyone to take responsibility. I felt that I was loyal and I had done nothing wrong.  There were so many moments of distress, fear, rage, panic, and confusion when you hear that the person you trusted the most has betrayed you.  It is the ultimate betrayal I think.  It took a few years for him to recognize what he lost, the permanent damage he caused, and the impact it had on my life.  However, one cannot define ones character by that and the reason why forgiveness was so easy for me is because he was a good man, he was a good father, and that affair was only his need to feel the affection and attention that I did not give him.  My love for him will forever be there and I am not ashamed to say that I would do anything for him if he needed it.  We had a beautiful son and that was the gift.  I have never been regretful of any outcome in my life.  This chapter shaped me in different ways and taught me valuable lessons.  Go through it! Listen to me... Go through it!  Don't use drugs or alcohol, or anti-depressants to stop the pain.  There is another plan. Whatever it is go through it. 

June 2011-Our last vacation together in Florida

Zia Strength Systems - Transformation

September 2011

On an earlier post on Forty and Strong, I wrote about "The Competitive Mind."  I spoke about Zia Strength Systems, a gym that was originally designed for Powerlifters.  I began training at this gym in 2011 and I talk about the barriers I was able to break, records I was able to break and doing it as I began the sport at age 42.  What I didn't talk about was the transformation that has taken place during these years.  However, the ups and downs, the injuries, and personal distractions that have kept me unfocused this past year is disappointing.  The transformation I have made since 2011 has been in all aspects of my life and as I blog about it in the months to come, I hope I am able to get back where I was in the process. 

It has been difficult to begin new chapters because the conflicts in what I want to happen and the other belief inside me asking how I will get there.  Many times people do not begin new journeys because they don't know how to start, what to do and how to make it happen. 

January 2016

Because I did not have a true appreciation for who I was and what I was I began to sabotage my life and my dreams and began to work unconsciously against myself.  I left what I had worked so hard for and what I loved... The gym.  I didn't have talent when I began.  I just had the desire.  The likely outcome is going to be failure, but allowing failure to keep you back is worse than failure itself.  It takes time to learn that until you take a step back.  I was scared, that's all there is to say and I began to push it deep inside me and I stopped my routine.  This took my identity that I worked for.  When you begin to see success sometimes, it is scares you.  It's hard to explain. 

So, I could stay and get the shit kicked out of me or I could be brave once again and find my way
back to the positive life I am building.  I don't want to die and regret the things I didn't do and I know this.  So... after spending some much needed alone time with my parents this week,  I came back home today and reluctantly went back to the gym.  As I enter Zia, Jordan is still Jordan and the comeback will be as grueling as it was to start.  Because of the atmosphere I work in, the gym is necessary for my mental strength and I am determined to persevere.  Although, I am reluctant to show my transformation, I hope many are inspired by the journey.

Zia Strength Systems Co-Owner - Coach T 2016

Zia Strength Systems March 2016

Zia Strength Systems April, 2016

The Correctional Officer Part II - When they are too young

Although it has gotten easier to survive in a male dominated culture, challenges still face women in corrections.  While women are accepted fairly easily my male inmates, it is not as easy when it comes to staff.  In the 80's it was a lot harder but as our prisons have become more regulated throughout the years, women were able to withstand the stigma of being weak minded and easily swayed.

Today the shortage of Correctional Officers we have in the State of New Mexico is quite high.  As fast as correctional facilities hire men and women is as fast as they lose them.  Either C/O's are unable to withstand the long hours that are required because of the shortage or they are easily manipulated by inmates which in turn causes them to lose their jobs or they find that they are unable to work in the highly stressful environment.  Because I worked at a men's federal correctional facility, I observed that as I was working for a Private Prison, there was no age requirement for hiring Correctional Officers.  Therefore, I witnessed the facility hire young men and women who were fresh out of high school.  It was interesting for me that no one had stepped in and addressed what was happening to the facility by allowing these young 18 and 19 year olds and how the safety and security of the staff and inmates would be affected.  Many of these young adults would not find themselves in this field for very long.  It was often that we would see one of the new C/O's walked out of our facility for different reasons.

By not imposing age requirements, we are setting these young adults up to fail immediately.  When you are sending a young 18 year old lady to work the line for the first day on the job and most of the time it is without any guidance, it is guaranteed that the inmates are already working on their craft.  They are able to study her and determine if they are able to find her weakness.  Many times these inmate are able to manipulate a young C/O in just six months.  I remember my first day and I was 45 years old.  I have lived life, and I understand how men work their craft and even then I was unaware of certain games these inmates play.  It is disheartening when I see these young men and women lose their job because they will have to explain this on any job application in their future and may disqualify them from finding future jobs. 

It is a fact that it takes a certain type of individual to do this type of work and succeed at it long term.  You know early on if it is for you.  If it is, then you are able to see your place and your responsibility to other staff.  Change happens everyday in Corrections and although the shortage will continue to be an issue in our prisons, it is our responsibility as Correctional Officers to keep staff, Inmates and our communities safe. 

 

Adversity Breads Strength

The Correctional Officer Part I

For as long as I can remember, I was always drawn to the tactical type of career because I felt that I could make a difference in that type of work. I grew up in a very small town with a brother and sister who were my best friends.  They loved the life of living in the country, rodeo, and family.  There are parts of my childhood that are very dear to me and I was blessed to have been raised in the environment my parents worked hard for.  I learned about unity, unconditional love, loyalty and the importance of work ethic.  It is only now that I appreciate how I was raised. 

As you become older and wiser, one does begin to see things differently.  For example: Every single human being was given a gift from god, a talent.  I knew early on what my talent was, but during that time my parents didn't understand me.  I pushed my limits in every way possible while growing up and I do believe that my parents were relieved when it was all over and I went out on my own.

Because I started a family a 25 years old, I changed my thought process and focused my efforts in the Mortgage Industry.  I was good at it, but it was never what I really saw myself doing and eventually I just forgot about wanting to be a Police Officer or joining the Military.  My life became about being a good wife and a good mother.  It didn't matter what I wanted.  Today I often ask god what his plan is for me?  I ask that question frequently because I truly believe that the journey I am on and the individuals that have come into my life and the challenges and changes put in the path I am walking through have brought me to the place that I am today.

I was 42 years old when I was forced to face change.  Listen, I was afraid.  The fear was in my gut all the way to its core.  I couldn't do this.  I couldn't start over after everything I put in to the life I had built.  For two years I was lost.  I didn't know where I belonged.  I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere and I couldn't bring myself back to the devoted mother my son knew.  Remember when I mentioned that Rock Bottom suddenly had a basement.  Well, I had just purchased a house when I was laid off from my job for the first time ever.  I remember that day.  I was driving home and I knew that I didn't want to give anymore and took a path that led me to distructive behavior for six months.  I could only think of making sure I got my son through his final year of high school.  As I began to see things fall apart for me, I knew that I had to take hold of my life.  I wasn't going down this way!  At 45 years old I would begin my new career. 


The fear that once took over me and my self confidence is no longer a factor.  At 47 years old, I find that this is what I was meant to do.  I did not only become a Correctional Officer, but in less than three years I was a member of the Special Operations Response Team, a mentor, Instructor and finally promoting to Sergeant at a men's federal correctional facility.  Recently, I moved to a state correctional facility working with a higher custody level.  I have created my own reality.  I will say it again... I have created my own reality.  People tried to talk me out of this.  I was too old.  What was I trying to prove?  And, let me not forget this one.  A man would never be interested in someone who works in that type of environment.  These were all distractions, but there were individuals who believed in me and because of that I became confident that I would go all the way. No one has to convince me to do what I do.  I do what I do because I do what I do! 

What I learned is that whatever people think about me and my dream is none of my business. After years of worrying how people saw me and what they think of me, I finally figured it out.