I WAS AWAKENED - PART I

It didn't go as planned, and that's okay.

It didn't go as planned, and that's okay.  So much is learned while we experience life.  Life is the only one that kicks you in the mouth and tests what you are really made of. If you think you are exempt, well then you are in for something special.  At the age of 23, you are full of optimism and dreams when it comes to finding love and what it will be like.  Living happily ever after.  Women dream of the white picket fence and if they say they don't, they are lieing.  Be certain that young women are still after it.

When I met him, it was definitely not love at first site.  In fact he and I were merely keeping each other company while my friend and his friend interested in one another.  It took a few dates before I decided to focus.  On him I mean.  He was conservative, something I was not. He was quiet, I was not.  He liked staying home, I liked dancing.  But, as we spent more time together, I began to settle in his ways and before I knew it, it was almost two years and I became pregnant with my now 21 year old son.  

Looking back now... I see how extremely nieve I was.  I guess I thought that it had to be the way it was with my parents.  I strived for perfection in a family, but inside there was no substance for what love was. You see,  love takes two, marriage take two, and divorce takes two.  Couples do not get where their at alone.  

I remember that my son was two years old and I knew I that I would only have him.  Subconsciously I knew that marriage was not for me, and so although my husband wanted to get married immediately following the birth of our son, I put it off for two years.  I must admit that I would still be married today because of my fear of failure.  

I was a good mother and wife.  Devoted to my family, like most women are.  Community and making an impact was my other focus. You will see that it has been the  focal point in anything I do.  But... as much as I loved my husband, he knew I couldn't love him like he needed and I didn't pay attention to what he was seeking until it hit me straight in the mouth.  

Pay attention

18 years later, I'm taken by surprise.  He takes the rug from under me by having an affair.  I still take a deep breath when thinking about that part.  I made sacrifices for my family and I never thought once to cheat, therefore, I expected the same in return.  18 years is a long time and I was 42 years old.  I gave 120% at anything I ever did and was successful.  I knew that I could fix this.  I was doing everything I thought he wanted of me.  Life was so busy for me back then and I remember that I worked at a job I hated and left my career in Mortgage Lending because I knew my husband wanted financial stability.  I was the President for the largest youth wrestling organization in the State of New Mexico.  Wrestling was one of the only things that brought my husband joy, and because I was always seeking his approval of me, I worked extremely hard to accomplish what his vision was.  It was never my vision, however, I became passionate about the sport and as my son got older and competitive, I became fully engrossed in it.  Lastly, my son was in high school and a time where parent involvement was necessary.  

There was no time for  anything  but work, wrestling, and raising my 16 year old son.  I don't recall ever thinking about what quality time I was spending with my husband.  It is only now that I see it. Whether men will ever admit it or not, they are very selfish when it comes to personal attention.  Men want their women to look good and do for them, but they want that without neglect.  It is hard for women to manage and balance career, marriage, parenting, home and sexuality all at once.  I neglected to see what he was missing because I was not connecting with him in that way anymore. 

The truth hurts

The events that took place following the shocking news would shape and start my journey.  Love, pride and failure will bring anyone to their knees... I didn't know how to handle it.  How could this woman purposely destroy a family?  So much blame and bitterness took over me.  It is important to say that any man or woman who have faced and will face this experience accept what is and know that we will never receive the answers we want.  And if you choose not to let it go, you will find only self destruction ahead. I did.  I paid dearly for it.  

It is difficult for men and women to build a strong bond with one another in today's world of Social Media.  My parents had challenges, but those challenges were substantially driven by financial hardships.  Raising three young children in a small town with only hard work in every aspect of living.  Trying to make their own adobe's to add on to a small one bedroom home.  Raising animals to keep us involved in 4-H activities, struggling to get us to our sports events as we lived 30 miles from the town we went to school at.  Hauling wood for the cold winters ahead and also to sell so that my parents were able to make extra money.  I remember that my parents were always united.  They were loyal to each other and it didn't matter if they agreed with one another or not, they stood as one.  There were no cell phones and in fact my parents did not have a phone in our home until we graduated high school.  It was a simple life.

Today, men and women are faced with insecurity, doubt, dishonesty, and untrusting  thoughts because of their fear of infidelity through social media.  Facebook makes it easily accessible to find old classmates, high school girlfriends, and maybe even someone you saw at a recent party that you were drawn to.  Instant Messaging allows you to reach out to that person.  That person in turn replies and the game begins. 

As the years have passed and I reflect on contribution to a marriage that ended.  It is hard for anyone to take responsibility. I felt that I was loyal and I had done nothing wrong.  There were so many moments of distress, fear, rage, panic, and confusion when you hear that the person you trusted the most has betrayed you.  It is the ultimate betrayal I think.  It took a few years for him to recognize what he lost, the permanent damage he caused, and the impact it had on my life.  However, one cannot define ones character by that and the reason why forgiveness was so easy for me is because he was a good man, he was a good father, and that affair was only his need to feel the affection and attention that I did not give him.  My love for him will forever be there and I am not ashamed to say that I would do anything for him if he needed it.  We had a beautiful son and that was the gift.  I have never been regretful of any outcome in my life.  This chapter shaped me in different ways and taught me valuable lessons.  Go through it! Listen to me... Go through it!  Don't use drugs or alcohol, or anti-depressants to stop the pain.  There is another plan. Whatever it is go through it. 

June 2011-Our last vacation together in Florida