Running from the demons - Part II

There is nothing more powerful than a changed MIND.

I changed my hair, my clothes, my home, and my body.  A drastic transformation took place outwardly but nothing inwardly changed.  Inside I was dieing.  That is the only way I can really explain it.  I was defeated and my spirit was broken and there were so many people who looked at me with sympathy, with sadness.  Why were they watching me so closely?  Why were they not interested in what he was doing, afterall he was the one who wanted out?  There were so many questions about what I was going to do and so much advice on how to handle a divorce.  I didn't know how to handle it so I withdrew.

Let me tell you something you already know.  Life is going to hit hard and I will remind you of that often.  It knocked me to my knees many times.  I left a comfortable job to continue in Mortgage Lending in order to survive on my own.  Things began to look up, I was making money, I bought a home and my son would be in his Junior year of high school.  Nine months later... I get laid off from my job.  I had never been let go from a job.  I remember that it was 15 days until Christmas when my boss gave me the news.  So... Either I could focus and start networking or give up.  I was upset... No wait!  I was pissed and why was god doing this to me?  Why did he continue to break me.  At that time I was in a battle with my ex-husband.  We were both unreasonable when discussing our son and it was taking a toll on us both.  Also, I was determined to stop him from having any happiness with the woman who I felt destroyed my life.  I couldn't take it.  I couldn't accept that I had lost all that I had worked for because of him.  Because I have never enjoyed purposely hurting people, I have always found it easy to forgive the people that hurt me and instead will take responsibility for why those people hurt me.  This was the demon in my head, the most powerful one of all.  I gave in to the thoughts in my mind and lost all confidence in myself and became timid in everything I did for the next six months.  I was on unemployment for the first time in my life.  My son was about to graduate.  He and I were struggling in our relationship.  He needed me but I couldn't focus.  I didn't want to, I couldn't be the mother he always had.  I wasn't right in my mind and only wanted to be where I didn't have to think about my life.  The only place that I was able to be myself  without judgement and questions was with the man I had been seeing for two years.  I had known him for many years and had been good friends but had crossed the line of friendship when my marriage ended.  He was the only one who didn't judge me.  He didn't expect anything from me.  There was so much chaos in my life and he knew that I was fighting my own demons and although he couldn't quite figure me out, I was beginning to see that he was on to the destruction that was headed my way.  Today,  I believe that he could see I was going to hit rock bottom, but allowed me to find my own way.

I used to recognize myself

I used to recognize myself, but I began to see my reflection had changed.  I never told anyone, but as much attention I received because of my transformation on the outside, I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror.  I knew I was going to lose my home, I wasn't even trying to save it.  My son graduated and my sister along with that dear friend were the two individuals who made it possible to give my son the celebration he deserved.  My son and I were not the same.  I could see it, but as I began to step in and question his behavior, he had lost confidence in me and ultimately the fall out took place.  He moved in with his father and I lost contact with him for six months thereafter.   I had nothing now and in the midst of all that was happening, I was engaging in a circle of people I trusted but was unaware that I was being led on a train that would eventually take me to a place filled with deceit, manipulation, and fear.

As disturbing as it is, I was finding success while I continued on the train of self-distruction.  I was once told by a very dear friend that I was a warrior.  The people who really knew me, whom  I refer to as The Fantastic 10", knew that too and were the 10 people who never gave up on me and are the men and women who ultimately saved me in the end.  But during this time these 10 individuals knew what I wanted deep down inside.  I became a Correctional Officer at age 44. I moved closer to my work which took me away from everyone for a full year.  It was the smartest thing I could have done at that time.  However, there was the other demon chasing me... I was alone.  I left my son behind, the place I called home for 25 years, the man I had fallen in love with, my other family in the gym where I spent most of my time and lastly, the friendships I had built throughout the years.  Although, my new career was flourishing and I had finally found my purpose, I was beginning to see clearly.  I was alone with myself in a small town and was beginning feel small pieces of life enter my body. 

God is working.... I could feel him.

God was fighting the demons that had taken over me.  I wasn't going to admit it, but I was beginning to accept being alone and not feeling fear inside.  I began to enjoy the quiet sounds of a small town.  I was enjoying the slow pace that was allowing me to heal.  But... I was pushing back.  No!  There was that "Strong Hold" that I was not ready to let go of.  God is only able to do so much in order to make you see his power.  I would have to decide whether to take his hand and believe in his plan for me or do it my way?  This was his first attempt to reach me.  I did turn away this time, but still I was beginning to seek answers for my behaviors?

The climb out of your most darkest moments will only begin when you are willing to stop running and turn around and face the demons that are running after you.  I always asked why?  It began when I lost my brother in 2003.  He was the one person who knew me.  I think he and my sister are the only two that really knew me.  Knew what I was all about.  I was always focused on how people saw me and what I could do to give of myself.  They always took care of me.  All three of us had a bond.  I think because we were never allowed to turn on one another as kids and our parents made sure of it.  When I got that call on that October 2nd 2003, I was told over that my brother had shot himself.  I asked how the accident happened? Self Inflicted.  I would later learn that my brother took his life that late evening.  He was about to lose his marriage.  In the heat of the moment he made that decision he could never take back.  I couldn't understand it, and it was then that I new something had changed inside me.  I began running and never stopped.  I kept so busy that I did not have time to look at myself and what began to take hold of me.  It wasn't until I moved back to my home town that I came to terms with that loss.  I refused to go through the healing process with my parents.  I held everyone responsible for his death.  Also, I couldn't bear to witness what my parents were going through.  So many years had passed and the guilt had been eating at me inside, but I just kept busy in order to avoid the subject with them.  After my divorce, I needed them but I couldn't connect with them and I pushed them even further away. 

God sends the first angel

It was March 2015 and I made the move to my home town for many reasons and I was broken in a lot of ways, but I was golfing, hiking and enjoying the quiet time.  However, I was missing my friends and my son.  It was also difficult leaving the man that had supported me for four years, but one day I decided that I would take an old friend who had come to spend time with me to check out the local gyms and we decided to start getting serious about our lifting again.  The owner of the gym introduced herself and immediately we were drawn to each other.  We had a common friend and her father who was also the owner of the gym was unforgettable.  As time went on, Ms. Cari and I began spending time together, training together, and enjoying our friendship.  However, I was fighting my past.  I couldn't break free and I was missing my son.  One day my new friend invited me to go to her church, but I quickly declined explaining to her that I could not bring myself to go.  I didn't feel worthy.  In the mean time Cari and her family were working on me and I will never understand why they were so eager to pray for me, pray with me, and guide me to gods grace.  It was a Saturday night and I was lonely and I decided I would go to church.  I cried the whole time.  But then I meet the two most amazing people... The pastor and his wife were drawn to me and for the first time felt like I belonged somewhere.  I was beginning to see clearly,  and I was enjoying my family and new friendships.  That winter, things changed.  I missed my life back home and my son and I were getting back to where we were.  He would visit regularly and I knew it was time for me to go back.  I knew I had to begin anew but I was still conflicted and was struggling within myself to accept that there were people I had to let go of in order to free myself an regain my self esteem.  Out of nowhere, there they are again.  My fantastic 10.  I am welcomed in to the home of my friend Sonya and her family so that I was able to adjust and take some time to decide where I would live.  I will always be grateful for all that was done for me.  Because of the chaos I was allowing to take over me, I spent the first six months back in the same place I was before I left except this time, I let go of all the things that were important to me.  I stopped my body building, I left the gym, I withdrew from everyone, including the man I was in love with and once again, I withdrew from god again. 

God sends the second angel

By this time, it was August, 2015.   My sister was worried and would ask me to pray.  I was trying and decided that I would need help to get through what I was experiencing.  One day, I turned to my friend whom I had known for over 20 years.  Karen had been through everything with me.  My marriage, my pregnancy, the loss of my brother, my divorce.  I was broken.  I didn't know how to overcome everything that was happening?  The truth is that I didn't want to.  It was that day sitting in her back yard, that I made the conscious decision to change my mindset.  When a man or woman is betrayed by people they believe in and love, it is a feeling that could damage the spirit and sometimes break the spirit.  It is however, hard to break the human spirit.  I was becoming aware of what was damaging me and I had to break free from what had a strong hold on me.  That day my friend prayed over me and it was that night I got on my knees and asked god to lead me.  There has been so many gifts since then. 

I begin to recognize who I am again

Do I understand my faith?  I can't answer that just yet.  I do know that I go to a Christian Church every Sunday, and I attend a Connect Group every Thursday evening.  I am proud of who I am as a woman.  I do good to people I love and not ashamed of it.  I am willing work with my hands to give to humanity.  I have replenished myself with strength.  I am not afraid and with wisdom share my story.  I know my purpose. 

The most powerful tool you have in your life is your mind.  That is why the enemy fights you in your mind.  The devil doesn't have to tie you up to bow.  He just has to tie up your head.  Listen to me you all... He tied up my mind and it made me physically sick because my mind was sick.  It is important to recognize what is taking over you as a human being.  The strong hold the devil had on me was my mind, fear of being alone, and the most powerful strong hold of all was keeping me away from god.  

It has taken a long time to finally accept the loss of my brother and find peace with it.  As I continue to grow and embrace who I am and my struggles, I am proud of who I am and know that God is a forgiving God and knows his plan for me.  It is my responsibility to find it. 

Either I will find a way or I will make one - 2017

I WAS AWAKENED - PART I

It didn't go as planned, and that's okay.

It didn't go as planned, and that's okay.  So much is learned while we experience life.  Life is the only one that kicks you in the mouth and tests what you are really made of. If you think you are exempt, well then you are in for something special.  At the age of 23, you are full of optimism and dreams when it comes to finding love and what it will be like.  Living happily ever after.  Women dream of the white picket fence and if they say they don't, they are lieing.  Be certain that young women are still after it.

When I met him, it was definitely not love at first site.  In fact he and I were merely keeping each other company while my friend and his friend interested in one another.  It took a few dates before I decided to focus.  On him I mean.  He was conservative, something I was not. He was quiet, I was not.  He liked staying home, I liked dancing.  But, as we spent more time together, I began to settle in his ways and before I knew it, it was almost two years and I became pregnant with my now 21 year old son.  

Looking back now... I see how extremely nieve I was.  I guess I thought that it had to be the way it was with my parents.  I strived for perfection in a family, but inside there was no substance for what love was. You see,  love takes two, marriage take two, and divorce takes two.  Couples do not get where their at alone.  

I remember that my son was two years old and I knew I that I would only have him.  Subconsciously I knew that marriage was not for me, and so although my husband wanted to get married immediately following the birth of our son, I put it off for two years.  I must admit that I would still be married today because of my fear of failure.  

I was a good mother and wife.  Devoted to my family, like most women are.  Community and making an impact was my other focus. You will see that it has been the  focal point in anything I do.  But... as much as I loved my husband, he knew I couldn't love him like he needed and I didn't pay attention to what he was seeking until it hit me straight in the mouth.  

Pay attention

18 years later, I'm taken by surprise.  He takes the rug from under me by having an affair.  I still take a deep breath when thinking about that part.  I made sacrifices for my family and I never thought once to cheat, therefore, I expected the same in return.  18 years is a long time and I was 42 years old.  I gave 120% at anything I ever did and was successful.  I knew that I could fix this.  I was doing everything I thought he wanted of me.  Life was so busy for me back then and I remember that I worked at a job I hated and left my career in Mortgage Lending because I knew my husband wanted financial stability.  I was the President for the largest youth wrestling organization in the State of New Mexico.  Wrestling was one of the only things that brought my husband joy, and because I was always seeking his approval of me, I worked extremely hard to accomplish what his vision was.  It was never my vision, however, I became passionate about the sport and as my son got older and competitive, I became fully engrossed in it.  Lastly, my son was in high school and a time where parent involvement was necessary.  

There was no time for  anything  but work, wrestling, and raising my 16 year old son.  I don't recall ever thinking about what quality time I was spending with my husband.  It is only now that I see it. Whether men will ever admit it or not, they are very selfish when it comes to personal attention.  Men want their women to look good and do for them, but they want that without neglect.  It is hard for women to manage and balance career, marriage, parenting, home and sexuality all at once.  I neglected to see what he was missing because I was not connecting with him in that way anymore. 

The truth hurts

The events that took place following the shocking news would shape and start my journey.  Love, pride and failure will bring anyone to their knees... I didn't know how to handle it.  How could this woman purposely destroy a family?  So much blame and bitterness took over me.  It is important to say that any man or woman who have faced and will face this experience accept what is and know that we will never receive the answers we want.  And if you choose not to let it go, you will find only self destruction ahead. I did.  I paid dearly for it.  

It is difficult for men and women to build a strong bond with one another in today's world of Social Media.  My parents had challenges, but those challenges were substantially driven by financial hardships.  Raising three young children in a small town with only hard work in every aspect of living.  Trying to make their own adobe's to add on to a small one bedroom home.  Raising animals to keep us involved in 4-H activities, struggling to get us to our sports events as we lived 30 miles from the town we went to school at.  Hauling wood for the cold winters ahead and also to sell so that my parents were able to make extra money.  I remember that my parents were always united.  They were loyal to each other and it didn't matter if they agreed with one another or not, they stood as one.  There were no cell phones and in fact my parents did not have a phone in our home until we graduated high school.  It was a simple life.

Today, men and women are faced with insecurity, doubt, dishonesty, and untrusting  thoughts because of their fear of infidelity through social media.  Facebook makes it easily accessible to find old classmates, high school girlfriends, and maybe even someone you saw at a recent party that you were drawn to.  Instant Messaging allows you to reach out to that person.  That person in turn replies and the game begins. 

As the years have passed and I reflect on contribution to a marriage that ended.  It is hard for anyone to take responsibility. I felt that I was loyal and I had done nothing wrong.  There were so many moments of distress, fear, rage, panic, and confusion when you hear that the person you trusted the most has betrayed you.  It is the ultimate betrayal I think.  It took a few years for him to recognize what he lost, the permanent damage he caused, and the impact it had on my life.  However, one cannot define ones character by that and the reason why forgiveness was so easy for me is because he was a good man, he was a good father, and that affair was only his need to feel the affection and attention that I did not give him.  My love for him will forever be there and I am not ashamed to say that I would do anything for him if he needed it.  We had a beautiful son and that was the gift.  I have never been regretful of any outcome in my life.  This chapter shaped me in different ways and taught me valuable lessons.  Go through it! Listen to me... Go through it!  Don't use drugs or alcohol, or anti-depressants to stop the pain.  There is another plan. Whatever it is go through it. 

June 2011-Our last vacation together in Florida

Zia Strength Systems - Transformation

September 2011

On an earlier post on Forty and Strong, I wrote about "The Competitive Mind."  I spoke about Zia Strength Systems, a gym that was originally designed for Powerlifters.  I began training at this gym in 2011 and I talk about the barriers I was able to break, records I was able to break and doing it as I began the sport at age 42.  What I didn't talk about was the transformation that has taken place during these years.  However, the ups and downs, the injuries, and personal distractions that have kept me unfocused this past year is disappointing.  The transformation I have made since 2011 has been in all aspects of my life and as I blog about it in the months to come, I hope I am able to get back where I was in the process. 

It has been difficult to begin new chapters because the conflicts in what I want to happen and the other belief inside me asking how I will get there.  Many times people do not begin new journeys because they don't know how to start, what to do and how to make it happen. 

January 2016

Because I did not have a true appreciation for who I was and what I was I began to sabotage my life and my dreams and began to work unconsciously against myself.  I left what I had worked so hard for and what I loved... The gym.  I didn't have talent when I began.  I just had the desire.  The likely outcome is going to be failure, but allowing failure to keep you back is worse than failure itself.  It takes time to learn that until you take a step back.  I was scared, that's all there is to say and I began to push it deep inside me and I stopped my routine.  This took my identity that I worked for.  When you begin to see success sometimes, it is scares you.  It's hard to explain. 

So, I could stay and get the shit kicked out of me or I could be brave once again and find my way
back to the positive life I am building.  I don't want to die and regret the things I didn't do and I know this.  So... after spending some much needed alone time with my parents this week,  I came back home today and reluctantly went back to the gym.  As I enter Zia, Jordan is still Jordan and the comeback will be as grueling as it was to start.  Because of the atmosphere I work in, the gym is necessary for my mental strength and I am determined to persevere.  Although, I am reluctant to show my transformation, I hope many are inspired by the journey.

Zia Strength Systems Co-Owner - Coach T 2016

Zia Strength Systems March 2016

Zia Strength Systems April, 2016

The Correctional Officer Part II - When they are too young

Although it has gotten easier to survive in a male dominated culture, challenges still face women in corrections.  While women are accepted fairly easily my male inmates, it is not as easy when it comes to staff.  In the 80's it was a lot harder but as our prisons have become more regulated throughout the years, women were able to withstand the stigma of being weak minded and easily swayed.

Today the shortage of Correctional Officers we have in the State of New Mexico is quite high.  As fast as correctional facilities hire men and women is as fast as they lose them.  Either C/O's are unable to withstand the long hours that are required because of the shortage or they are easily manipulated by inmates which in turn causes them to lose their jobs or they find that they are unable to work in the highly stressful environment.  Because I worked at a men's federal correctional facility, I observed that as I was working for a Private Prison, there was no age requirement for hiring Correctional Officers.  Therefore, I witnessed the facility hire young men and women who were fresh out of high school.  It was interesting for me that no one had stepped in and addressed what was happening to the facility by allowing these young 18 and 19 year olds and how the safety and security of the staff and inmates would be affected.  Many of these young adults would not find themselves in this field for very long.  It was often that we would see one of the new C/O's walked out of our facility for different reasons.

By not imposing age requirements, we are setting these young adults up to fail immediately.  When you are sending a young 18 year old lady to work the line for the first day on the job and most of the time it is without any guidance, it is guaranteed that the inmates are already working on their craft.  They are able to study her and determine if they are able to find her weakness.  Many times these inmate are able to manipulate a young C/O in just six months.  I remember my first day and I was 45 years old.  I have lived life, and I understand how men work their craft and even then I was unaware of certain games these inmates play.  It is disheartening when I see these young men and women lose their job because they will have to explain this on any job application in their future and may disqualify them from finding future jobs. 

It is a fact that it takes a certain type of individual to do this type of work and succeed at it long term.  You know early on if it is for you.  If it is, then you are able to see your place and your responsibility to other staff.  Change happens everyday in Corrections and although the shortage will continue to be an issue in our prisons, it is our responsibility as Correctional Officers to keep staff, Inmates and our communities safe. 

 

Adversity Breads Strength

The Correctional Officer Part I

For as long as I can remember, I was always drawn to the tactical type of career because I felt that I could make a difference in that type of work. I grew up in a very small town with a brother and sister who were my best friends.  They loved the life of living in the country, rodeo, and family.  There are parts of my childhood that are very dear to me and I was blessed to have been raised in the environment my parents worked hard for.  I learned about unity, unconditional love, loyalty and the importance of work ethic.  It is only now that I appreciate how I was raised. 

As you become older and wiser, one does begin to see things differently.  For example: Every single human being was given a gift from god, a talent.  I knew early on what my talent was, but during that time my parents didn't understand me.  I pushed my limits in every way possible while growing up and I do believe that my parents were relieved when it was all over and I went out on my own.

Because I started a family a 25 years old, I changed my thought process and focused my efforts in the Mortgage Industry.  I was good at it, but it was never what I really saw myself doing and eventually I just forgot about wanting to be a Police Officer or joining the Military.  My life became about being a good wife and a good mother.  It didn't matter what I wanted.  Today I often ask god what his plan is for me?  I ask that question frequently because I truly believe that the journey I am on and the individuals that have come into my life and the challenges and changes put in the path I am walking through have brought me to the place that I am today.

I was 42 years old when I was forced to face change.  Listen, I was afraid.  The fear was in my gut all the way to its core.  I couldn't do this.  I couldn't start over after everything I put in to the life I had built.  For two years I was lost.  I didn't know where I belonged.  I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere and I couldn't bring myself back to the devoted mother my son knew.  Remember when I mentioned that Rock Bottom suddenly had a basement.  Well, I had just purchased a house when I was laid off from my job for the first time ever.  I remember that day.  I was driving home and I knew that I didn't want to give anymore and took a path that led me to distructive behavior for six months.  I could only think of making sure I got my son through his final year of high school.  As I began to see things fall apart for me, I knew that I had to take hold of my life.  I wasn't going down this way!  At 45 years old I would begin my new career. 


The fear that once took over me and my self confidence is no longer a factor.  At 47 years old, I find that this is what I was meant to do.  I did not only become a Correctional Officer, but in less than three years I was a member of the Special Operations Response Team, a mentor, Instructor and finally promoting to Sergeant at a men's federal correctional facility.  Recently, I moved to a state correctional facility working with a higher custody level.  I have created my own reality.  I will say it again... I have created my own reality.  People tried to talk me out of this.  I was too old.  What was I trying to prove?  And, let me not forget this one.  A man would never be interested in someone who works in that type of environment.  These were all distractions, but there were individuals who believed in me and because of that I became confident that I would go all the way. No one has to convince me to do what I do.  I do what I do because I do what I do! 

What I learned is that whatever people think about me and my dream is none of my business. After years of worrying how people saw me and what they think of me, I finally figured it out.