The Shift

 The Shift

For the first time since 2017.  I would try.  A recap of 2019.  Finding my way back and recognizing the only way out is in.

                                                                                                            

Things began to change inside me. It scared me. But, I noticed things began to change around me. In a peaceful way. For the first time in eight years? I wasn't being fair to those I loved and mostly, I wasn't being fair to myself. If I allowed the changes, I would risk losing what I had. And, with that said the year began.

It was a January evening. I was driving into Albuquerque from a long shift in Santa Fe. I received a call from my sister. Unable to talk about a bad day a work, I quickly began to vent. she like many would only listen to my conflicted mindset. I remember that evening she said, “I wonder if I'll ever get the Cynthia I know back? You were always laughing and crazy and funny.” For a moment I paused but quickly replied with self pity, “That person is gone.”

By February, the shift was happening. Those who had been on this journey with me since the beginning were trying to hang on to that faith they had in me. I could either continue my path or I could shift down that road where I would be exposed and vulnerable. All this time I didn't allow anyone to love me. I pushed them away by sabatoging my life. Surely they would walk away given my recklessness (Many did). The scars were to deep and I wasn't capable of loving anyone because I could not bear losing someone I loved again, so it was easier to have them leave me no matter who they were.

I would eventually find that those individuals loved me anyway, and today I smile when I think of each one of them.

April had come quick and things were hard at work and causing me to lose my ground. Although my personal life was coming together, I was questioning my abilities. The pressure I was facing at the Penitentiary of New Mexico was real. My shift and the facility where I was posted was manned by male officers and supervisors. Seasoned officers. Even though I was learning to shut off the emotions in my day to day efforts to prove I belonged, the fight became too much. I had turned 50 years old. I had sustained some injuries by this time and forced myself to go back to the floor with my brothers despite my inability to perform at 100%. My partner was carrying me and it was eating at me. A series of events followed, eventually causing me to lose my head. By June... Just like that I would leave the Department of Corrections.

Oooh yes, there were tears. This was the one thing in my life that I worked the hardest for. I had made it to the big house, but I found that was the easy part. It changed me and failure was hard for me to swallow (and still is). Thing is... I was fortunate to be surrounded by people who loved and supported me and I was not allowed to dwell on it. In fact, for the first time in years, I had the most wonderful summer and by fall began to see this woman I once knew.

You see, it's important to remind yourself of your strengths, but equally important to remind yourself of the weeknesses (bad choices and ugly truths). Continue to thrive in your efforts to be happy despite of it all and the shift is sure to begin. One of our collective fears is being alone. But I found that what has happpened to me, happened for me.

A year filled with bitter sweet moments along with grace that reminded me that I was perfectly important. The circle of life will continue and be certain that along with success and happiness found, Failure and sadness will follow.  I've said this before: I believe that Rock Bottom is sometimes necessary for some. I also believe that it is important to stay there a while (not too long)... Then, find your ground and be Brave.

The Correctional Officer Part IV

"THE PUSH"

When you know what your purpose is then you must either embrace it or allow it to drift.  What you are going to feel will not be good, but trust that it is good.  The life of a Correctional Officer or the field of Corrections is difficult.  It takes a unique individual to do this work and when I say this, I mean it takes a unique individual to make it a life long career.  In my short time of almost 4 years in this field, I have seen both men and women throw in the hat at excessive numbers.  Some had what it took to do this job, but simply could not handle the demands of this profession.  For me, it has been a battle to prove not only to myself that I was meant to do this, but to many who pointed to their own limitations and proclaimed those limitations to be mine.  Here is where I talk about "The Push". 

Limits are only where you place them.  I have never done well with limits, however, I allow distractions to hold me back at times, therefore, teaching self-discipline is necessary.  When I decided to put in the work and accept that I would have to work 75 hours a week, for an unspoken period of time, put relationships aside, lose what I had worked so hard for in the gym for so many years, and put my life on hold, that is when things began to change for me.  Listening to those who stay within the confines of what they know began to hinder my vision and I quickly had to decide if I was up for the push.

It's 11:00 pm on a Tuesday night after 16 hours in Master Control....  I sit on my bed and I only feel conflicted?  I know what's ahead of me.  I know that it's not going to be fun and I know most of all, the sacrifices I will have to make.  But, I am in a place where the pressure is unlike anything I've ever faced?  The promotion from a Correctional Officer to a Sergeant in a State Correctional facility has me tentative in my decisions?  On this day, I find that adapting and overcoming was crucial and although I managed to get through it... I could not hold back tears.  The fatigue has set in and my ability to keep a level head with the pressures to make decisions in multiple issues taking place causes me to lose confidence in myself.  Am I able to sustain that mental toughness that I spoke about in my last story?

A Correctional Officer immediately sets his/her tone of how inmates will respond.  Coming to a all women's facility was not the challenge that I thought it was going to be.  I am confident that the impact I make at the end of this journey will be one to remember by the Inmate, the Officers, and those men/women of rank.  It is the only thing that gives me the drive I need to get up every morning and give "The Push" necessary to get through the multiple double shifts worked in a 40 hour work week.  However, as a Rookie Sergeant, in a role where you are expected to build moral, lead by example and form unity, without the ability to reassure the young men and women that relief is near is challenging.  As the weeks pass and the fatigue sets in while pressure is high, I see those who know me best pushing me through.  You see, the Push comes when you are in the grind and in the storm.  Most will run from it.  Therefore, only those who believe in what they are truly trying to accomplish will push through the storm.  The bond is strong behind these gates because we only have each other... no one else is coming to get us and when stakes are high, only we are coming to get us.

On this day, myself and another officer argue and he doesn't leave without apologizing to me.  Emotional and unable to speak, he only sees tears.  And we walk away quickly bouncing back and regaining composure. When one is intentional of their efforts, it resonates into positivity.  I believe this.  We are working 16 hours a day.  We are faced with the unknown everyday.  Some are facing family disarray.  And so tension is high. Some have chosen not to push through and will leave the facility.  Recently, A local news station did a story on the astounding percentage of Correctional Officers lacking in New Mexico Facilities and the dangers faced because of it.  Of Course it is dangerous.  What most do not understand is that it is dangerous whether there are shortages or not. Corrections is never going to get easier so I encourage those who have the desire to challenge themselves to get in the mist of the the fight.  Learn how got get knocked down and learn how to fight so that you can hold your position.  See Most don't get out into the arena of life because they don't want to fight, they don't want to get knocked down.  But you see...  You are going to be dropped whether you are on the field or sitting on the sidelines.  You are going to be dropped, so at least get dropped for something. Be where the action is and you will be amazed after the struggle, there will be a calmness and that's when things will begin to click.

There will be a time when everything seems questionable.  The mountains tower over us.  We are beat down.  Our bodies begin to give in.  PERFECT.  The men and women who wear their badge and walk behind those gates have no idea what lies ahead each day?  We are officers, we are councilors, we are nurses, and we must be able to do it all in sequence at times. Becoming a Correctional Officer is just the beginning.  The most prideful moment is when you receive that badge and become a sister/brother to those fellow Officers behind the gates, but the legacy you choose to leave behind is priceless.

The Correctional Officer III - Women In Corrections

LIVE INTENTIONALLY

While the challenge of gender-bias is still present for women in corrections, it has not stopped the female officer from effectively doing their job. 

In the 1970's  The United States led the way in introducing women into the all male prison system.  By the late 70's, thirty-three states had women assigned to work in male institutions.  By 1981 only four United States correctional systems denied females from employment. 

Today, Female Officers are making contributions to the prison systems where they are recognized as extremely valuable  employees.  Research supports the fact that female officers are effective in their positions.  The reality is that women excel in the correctional setting bringing advantages to the job that male officers cannot.  For example, a female officer has the tendency to bring  a style of communication rather than physical force. 
In my experience in working in a male prison and in a Segregation Unit, there were a number of times where I was able to use my communicational
skills to defuse situations which were about to evolve into violence.  It has never been my belief that any one person (male/Female) could have success in this highly stressful job, and that is why my opinion about age requirements for Correctional Officers is so important to me.  It is already a huge challenge for women entering the male dominated field, The gender-bias is certainly present today and women should recognize that before deciding their future.  The woman who succeeds in the field of corrections will adapt through strengthening her mental toughness so that she is able  to work through those challenges she will face on a daily basis.  Although, I am not discouraging young women from entering this highly rewarding career, I am however, asking that women think it through and know that there will be challenges, there will be times that you will fail, there will be disrespect from colleagues... But if you are Intentional in your decision, you will find success and I promise that the leaders of that institution will see it and take notice. 

Live Intentionally

It is important for women to be in since with their feminine side.  The stigma I face as a female officer is frustrating at times, however, it does not take long for both staff and inmates to see that I am not the hyper-masculine female officer that they see as unapproachable.  It is important to know who you are as a woman and live with the intention of making an impact.  It has always been important to me  to make a positive impact on those around me.  It is not our jobs to judge the inmate, but instead it is our job to make sure that both the staff and inmates are kept free from harm while on shift.  I hold inmates accountable for their interactions with all officers, staff, and especially female officers who are guarding them.  This has proven to bring everyone to a line of respect.  The inmate is not to cross that line and if he/she does then there will be repercussions for the inmate so that we as female officer are simply viewed as one thing, "The Officer who is to be Respected."

The women who empower me

My experience in the short three years I have in the Correctional Field has been nothing less than successful.  As a 44 year old middle aged woman who decided to finally overcome fear and embrace my purpose, I have been fortunate to have had men and women who believed in me and who encouraged me to keep moving forward in my quest to make a solid difference in a place where so much negativity exists.  I was able to promote in less than two years, become a member of the Special Operations Response Team, become a mentor to new incoming officers, and most of all earn the respect of inmates by following the simple rules of corrections "Firm, Fair , Consistent".  I work at a facility whom is led by a Warden who is a strong woman.  The female officers who I work with are the strongest of women I will ever know.  Confident, hard working, style, professionalism, and no nonsense mentality.  This type of presence and authority is establishing mutual respect and compliance from the inmate.  We are all empowered by one another and because of that we are able to pass that on. 

Running from the demons - Part II

There is nothing more powerful than a changed MIND.

I changed my hair, my clothes, my home, and my body.  A drastic transformation took place outwardly but nothing inwardly changed.  Inside I was dieing.  That is the only way I can really explain it.  I was defeated and my spirit was broken and there were so many people who looked at me with sympathy, with sadness.  Why were they watching me so closely?  Why were they not interested in what he was doing, afterall he was the one who wanted out?  There were so many questions about what I was going to do and so much advice on how to handle a divorce.  I didn't know how to handle it so I withdrew.

Let me tell you something you already know.  Life is going to hit hard and I will remind you of that often.  It knocked me to my knees many times.  I left a comfortable job to continue in Mortgage Lending in order to survive on my own.  Things began to look up, I was making money, I bought a home and my son would be in his Junior year of high school.  Nine months later... I get laid off from my job.  I had never been let go from a job.  I remember that it was 15 days until Christmas when my boss gave me the news.  So... Either I could focus and start networking or give up.  I was upset... No wait!  I was pissed and why was god doing this to me?  Why did he continue to break me.  At that time I was in a battle with my ex-husband.  We were both unreasonable when discussing our son and it was taking a toll on us both.  Also, I was determined to stop him from having any happiness with the woman who I felt destroyed my life.  I couldn't take it.  I couldn't accept that I had lost all that I had worked for because of him.  Because I have never enjoyed purposely hurting people, I have always found it easy to forgive the people that hurt me and instead will take responsibility for why those people hurt me.  This was the demon in my head, the most powerful one of all.  I gave in to the thoughts in my mind and lost all confidence in myself and became timid in everything I did for the next six months.  I was on unemployment for the first time in my life.  My son was about to graduate.  He and I were struggling in our relationship.  He needed me but I couldn't focus.  I didn't want to, I couldn't be the mother he always had.  I wasn't right in my mind and only wanted to be where I didn't have to think about my life.  The only place that I was able to be myself  without judgement and questions was with the man I had been seeing for two years.  I had known him for many years and had been good friends but had crossed the line of friendship when my marriage ended.  He was the only one who didn't judge me.  He didn't expect anything from me.  There was so much chaos in my life and he knew that I was fighting my own demons and although he couldn't quite figure me out, I was beginning to see that he was on to the destruction that was headed my way.  Today,  I believe that he could see I was going to hit rock bottom, but allowed me to find my own way.

I used to recognize myself

I used to recognize myself, but I began to see my reflection had changed.  I never told anyone, but as much attention I received because of my transformation on the outside, I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror.  I knew I was going to lose my home, I wasn't even trying to save it.  My son graduated and my sister along with that dear friend were the two individuals who made it possible to give my son the celebration he deserved.  My son and I were not the same.  I could see it, but as I began to step in and question his behavior, he had lost confidence in me and ultimately the fall out took place.  He moved in with his father and I lost contact with him for six months thereafter.   I had nothing now and in the midst of all that was happening, I was engaging in a circle of people I trusted but was unaware that I was being led on a train that would eventually take me to a place filled with deceit, manipulation, and fear.

As disturbing as it is, I was finding success while I continued on the train of self-distruction.  I was once told by a very dear friend that I was a warrior.  The people who really knew me, whom  I refer to as The Fantastic 10", knew that too and were the 10 people who never gave up on me and are the men and women who ultimately saved me in the end.  But during this time these 10 individuals knew what I wanted deep down inside.  I became a Correctional Officer at age 44. I moved closer to my work which took me away from everyone for a full year.  It was the smartest thing I could have done at that time.  However, there was the other demon chasing me... I was alone.  I left my son behind, the place I called home for 25 years, the man I had fallen in love with, my other family in the gym where I spent most of my time and lastly, the friendships I had built throughout the years.  Although, my new career was flourishing and I had finally found my purpose, I was beginning to see clearly.  I was alone with myself in a small town and was beginning feel small pieces of life enter my body. 

God is working.... I could feel him.

God was fighting the demons that had taken over me.  I wasn't going to admit it, but I was beginning to accept being alone and not feeling fear inside.  I began to enjoy the quiet sounds of a small town.  I was enjoying the slow pace that was allowing me to heal.  But... I was pushing back.  No!  There was that "Strong Hold" that I was not ready to let go of.  God is only able to do so much in order to make you see his power.  I would have to decide whether to take his hand and believe in his plan for me or do it my way?  This was his first attempt to reach me.  I did turn away this time, but still I was beginning to seek answers for my behaviors?

The climb out of your most darkest moments will only begin when you are willing to stop running and turn around and face the demons that are running after you.  I always asked why?  It began when I lost my brother in 2003.  He was the one person who knew me.  I think he and my sister are the only two that really knew me.  Knew what I was all about.  I was always focused on how people saw me and what I could do to give of myself.  They always took care of me.  All three of us had a bond.  I think because we were never allowed to turn on one another as kids and our parents made sure of it.  When I got that call on that October 2nd 2003, I was told over that my brother had shot himself.  I asked how the accident happened? Self Inflicted.  I would later learn that my brother took his life that late evening.  He was about to lose his marriage.  In the heat of the moment he made that decision he could never take back.  I couldn't understand it, and it was then that I new something had changed inside me.  I began running and never stopped.  I kept so busy that I did not have time to look at myself and what began to take hold of me.  It wasn't until I moved back to my home town that I came to terms with that loss.  I refused to go through the healing process with my parents.  I held everyone responsible for his death.  Also, I couldn't bear to witness what my parents were going through.  So many years had passed and the guilt had been eating at me inside, but I just kept busy in order to avoid the subject with them.  After my divorce, I needed them but I couldn't connect with them and I pushed them even further away. 

God sends the first angel

It was March 2015 and I made the move to my home town for many reasons and I was broken in a lot of ways, but I was golfing, hiking and enjoying the quiet time.  However, I was missing my friends and my son.  It was also difficult leaving the man that had supported me for four years, but one day I decided that I would take an old friend who had come to spend time with me to check out the local gyms and we decided to start getting serious about our lifting again.  The owner of the gym introduced herself and immediately we were drawn to each other.  We had a common friend and her father who was also the owner of the gym was unforgettable.  As time went on, Ms. Cari and I began spending time together, training together, and enjoying our friendship.  However, I was fighting my past.  I couldn't break free and I was missing my son.  One day my new friend invited me to go to her church, but I quickly declined explaining to her that I could not bring myself to go.  I didn't feel worthy.  In the mean time Cari and her family were working on me and I will never understand why they were so eager to pray for me, pray with me, and guide me to gods grace.  It was a Saturday night and I was lonely and I decided I would go to church.  I cried the whole time.  But then I meet the two most amazing people... The pastor and his wife were drawn to me and for the first time felt like I belonged somewhere.  I was beginning to see clearly,  and I was enjoying my family and new friendships.  That winter, things changed.  I missed my life back home and my son and I were getting back to where we were.  He would visit regularly and I knew it was time for me to go back.  I knew I had to begin anew but I was still conflicted and was struggling within myself to accept that there were people I had to let go of in order to free myself an regain my self esteem.  Out of nowhere, there they are again.  My fantastic 10.  I am welcomed in to the home of my friend Sonya and her family so that I was able to adjust and take some time to decide where I would live.  I will always be grateful for all that was done for me.  Because of the chaos I was allowing to take over me, I spent the first six months back in the same place I was before I left except this time, I let go of all the things that were important to me.  I stopped my body building, I left the gym, I withdrew from everyone, including the man I was in love with and once again, I withdrew from god again. 

God sends the second angel

By this time, it was August, 2015.   My sister was worried and would ask me to pray.  I was trying and decided that I would need help to get through what I was experiencing.  One day, I turned to my friend whom I had known for over 20 years.  Karen had been through everything with me.  My marriage, my pregnancy, the loss of my brother, my divorce.  I was broken.  I didn't know how to overcome everything that was happening?  The truth is that I didn't want to.  It was that day sitting in her back yard, that I made the conscious decision to change my mindset.  When a man or woman is betrayed by people they believe in and love, it is a feeling that could damage the spirit and sometimes break the spirit.  It is however, hard to break the human spirit.  I was becoming aware of what was damaging me and I had to break free from what had a strong hold on me.  That day my friend prayed over me and it was that night I got on my knees and asked god to lead me.  There has been so many gifts since then. 

I begin to recognize who I am again

Do I understand my faith?  I can't answer that just yet.  I do know that I go to a Christian Church every Sunday, and I attend a Connect Group every Thursday evening.  I am proud of who I am as a woman.  I do good to people I love and not ashamed of it.  I am willing work with my hands to give to humanity.  I have replenished myself with strength.  I am not afraid and with wisdom share my story.  I know my purpose. 

The most powerful tool you have in your life is your mind.  That is why the enemy fights you in your mind.  The devil doesn't have to tie you up to bow.  He just has to tie up your head.  Listen to me you all... He tied up my mind and it made me physically sick because my mind was sick.  It is important to recognize what is taking over you as a human being.  The strong hold the devil had on me was my mind, fear of being alone, and the most powerful strong hold of all was keeping me away from god.  

It has taken a long time to finally accept the loss of my brother and find peace with it.  As I continue to grow and embrace who I am and my struggles, I am proud of who I am and know that God is a forgiving God and knows his plan for me.  It is my responsibility to find it. 

Either I will find a way or I will make one - 2017

I WAS AWAKENED - PART I

It didn't go as planned, and that's okay.

It didn't go as planned, and that's okay.  So much is learned while we experience life.  Life is the only one that kicks you in the mouth and tests what you are really made of. If you think you are exempt, well then you are in for something special.  At the age of 23, you are full of optimism and dreams when it comes to finding love and what it will be like.  Living happily ever after.  Women dream of the white picket fence and if they say they don't, they are lieing.  Be certain that young women are still after it.

When I met him, it was definitely not love at first site.  In fact he and I were merely keeping each other company while my friend and his friend interested in one another.  It took a few dates before I decided to focus.  On him I mean.  He was conservative, something I was not. He was quiet, I was not.  He liked staying home, I liked dancing.  But, as we spent more time together, I began to settle in his ways and before I knew it, it was almost two years and I became pregnant with my now 21 year old son.  

Looking back now... I see how extremely nieve I was.  I guess I thought that it had to be the way it was with my parents.  I strived for perfection in a family, but inside there was no substance for what love was. You see,  love takes two, marriage take two, and divorce takes two.  Couples do not get where their at alone.  

I remember that my son was two years old and I knew I that I would only have him.  Subconsciously I knew that marriage was not for me, and so although my husband wanted to get married immediately following the birth of our son, I put it off for two years.  I must admit that I would still be married today because of my fear of failure.  

I was a good mother and wife.  Devoted to my family, like most women are.  Community and making an impact was my other focus. You will see that it has been the  focal point in anything I do.  But... as much as I loved my husband, he knew I couldn't love him like he needed and I didn't pay attention to what he was seeking until it hit me straight in the mouth.  

Pay attention

18 years later, I'm taken by surprise.  He takes the rug from under me by having an affair.  I still take a deep breath when thinking about that part.  I made sacrifices for my family and I never thought once to cheat, therefore, I expected the same in return.  18 years is a long time and I was 42 years old.  I gave 120% at anything I ever did and was successful.  I knew that I could fix this.  I was doing everything I thought he wanted of me.  Life was so busy for me back then and I remember that I worked at a job I hated and left my career in Mortgage Lending because I knew my husband wanted financial stability.  I was the President for the largest youth wrestling organization in the State of New Mexico.  Wrestling was one of the only things that brought my husband joy, and because I was always seeking his approval of me, I worked extremely hard to accomplish what his vision was.  It was never my vision, however, I became passionate about the sport and as my son got older and competitive, I became fully engrossed in it.  Lastly, my son was in high school and a time where parent involvement was necessary.  

There was no time for  anything  but work, wrestling, and raising my 16 year old son.  I don't recall ever thinking about what quality time I was spending with my husband.  It is only now that I see it. Whether men will ever admit it or not, they are very selfish when it comes to personal attention.  Men want their women to look good and do for them, but they want that without neglect.  It is hard for women to manage and balance career, marriage, parenting, home and sexuality all at once.  I neglected to see what he was missing because I was not connecting with him in that way anymore. 

The truth hurts

The events that took place following the shocking news would shape and start my journey.  Love, pride and failure will bring anyone to their knees... I didn't know how to handle it.  How could this woman purposely destroy a family?  So much blame and bitterness took over me.  It is important to say that any man or woman who have faced and will face this experience accept what is and know that we will never receive the answers we want.  And if you choose not to let it go, you will find only self destruction ahead. I did.  I paid dearly for it.  

It is difficult for men and women to build a strong bond with one another in today's world of Social Media.  My parents had challenges, but those challenges were substantially driven by financial hardships.  Raising three young children in a small town with only hard work in every aspect of living.  Trying to make their own adobe's to add on to a small one bedroom home.  Raising animals to keep us involved in 4-H activities, struggling to get us to our sports events as we lived 30 miles from the town we went to school at.  Hauling wood for the cold winters ahead and also to sell so that my parents were able to make extra money.  I remember that my parents were always united.  They were loyal to each other and it didn't matter if they agreed with one another or not, they stood as one.  There were no cell phones and in fact my parents did not have a phone in our home until we graduated high school.  It was a simple life.

Today, men and women are faced with insecurity, doubt, dishonesty, and untrusting  thoughts because of their fear of infidelity through social media.  Facebook makes it easily accessible to find old classmates, high school girlfriends, and maybe even someone you saw at a recent party that you were drawn to.  Instant Messaging allows you to reach out to that person.  That person in turn replies and the game begins. 

As the years have passed and I reflect on contribution to a marriage that ended.  It is hard for anyone to take responsibility. I felt that I was loyal and I had done nothing wrong.  There were so many moments of distress, fear, rage, panic, and confusion when you hear that the person you trusted the most has betrayed you.  It is the ultimate betrayal I think.  It took a few years for him to recognize what he lost, the permanent damage he caused, and the impact it had on my life.  However, one cannot define ones character by that and the reason why forgiveness was so easy for me is because he was a good man, he was a good father, and that affair was only his need to feel the affection and attention that I did not give him.  My love for him will forever be there and I am not ashamed to say that I would do anything for him if he needed it.  We had a beautiful son and that was the gift.  I have never been regretful of any outcome in my life.  This chapter shaped me in different ways and taught me valuable lessons.  Go through it! Listen to me... Go through it!  Don't use drugs or alcohol, or anti-depressants to stop the pain.  There is another plan. Whatever it is go through it. 

June 2011-Our last vacation together in Florida

Zia Strength Systems - Transformation

September 2011

On an earlier post on Forty and Strong, I wrote about "The Competitive Mind."  I spoke about Zia Strength Systems, a gym that was originally designed for Powerlifters.  I began training at this gym in 2011 and I talk about the barriers I was able to break, records I was able to break and doing it as I began the sport at age 42.  What I didn't talk about was the transformation that has taken place during these years.  However, the ups and downs, the injuries, and personal distractions that have kept me unfocused this past year is disappointing.  The transformation I have made since 2011 has been in all aspects of my life and as I blog about it in the months to come, I hope I am able to get back where I was in the process. 

It has been difficult to begin new chapters because the conflicts in what I want to happen and the other belief inside me asking how I will get there.  Many times people do not begin new journeys because they don't know how to start, what to do and how to make it happen. 

January 2016

Because I did not have a true appreciation for who I was and what I was I began to sabotage my life and my dreams and began to work unconsciously against myself.  I left what I had worked so hard for and what I loved... The gym.  I didn't have talent when I began.  I just had the desire.  The likely outcome is going to be failure, but allowing failure to keep you back is worse than failure itself.  It takes time to learn that until you take a step back.  I was scared, that's all there is to say and I began to push it deep inside me and I stopped my routine.  This took my identity that I worked for.  When you begin to see success sometimes, it is scares you.  It's hard to explain. 

So, I could stay and get the shit kicked out of me or I could be brave once again and find my way
back to the positive life I am building.  I don't want to die and regret the things I didn't do and I know this.  So... after spending some much needed alone time with my parents this week,  I came back home today and reluctantly went back to the gym.  As I enter Zia, Jordan is still Jordan and the comeback will be as grueling as it was to start.  Because of the atmosphere I work in, the gym is necessary for my mental strength and I am determined to persevere.  Although, I am reluctant to show my transformation, I hope many are inspired by the journey.

Zia Strength Systems Co-Owner - Coach T 2016

Zia Strength Systems March 2016

Zia Strength Systems April, 2016

The Correctional Officer Part II - When they are too young

Although it has gotten easier to survive in a male dominated culture, challenges still face women in corrections.  While women are accepted fairly easily my male inmates, it is not as easy when it comes to staff.  In the 80's it was a lot harder but as our prisons have become more regulated throughout the years, women were able to withstand the stigma of being weak minded and easily swayed.

Today the shortage of Correctional Officers we have in the State of New Mexico is quite high.  As fast as correctional facilities hire men and women is as fast as they lose them.  Either C/O's are unable to withstand the long hours that are required because of the shortage or they are easily manipulated by inmates which in turn causes them to lose their jobs or they find that they are unable to work in the highly stressful environment.  Because I worked at a men's federal correctional facility, I observed that as I was working for a Private Prison, there was no age requirement for hiring Correctional Officers.  Therefore, I witnessed the facility hire young men and women who were fresh out of high school.  It was interesting for me that no one had stepped in and addressed what was happening to the facility by allowing these young 18 and 19 year olds and how the safety and security of the staff and inmates would be affected.  Many of these young adults would not find themselves in this field for very long.  It was often that we would see one of the new C/O's walked out of our facility for different reasons.

By not imposing age requirements, we are setting these young adults up to fail immediately.  When you are sending a young 18 year old lady to work the line for the first day on the job and most of the time it is without any guidance, it is guaranteed that the inmates are already working on their craft.  They are able to study her and determine if they are able to find her weakness.  Many times these inmate are able to manipulate a young C/O in just six months.  I remember my first day and I was 45 years old.  I have lived life, and I understand how men work their craft and even then I was unaware of certain games these inmates play.  It is disheartening when I see these young men and women lose their job because they will have to explain this on any job application in their future and may disqualify them from finding future jobs. 

It is a fact that it takes a certain type of individual to do this type of work and succeed at it long term.  You know early on if it is for you.  If it is, then you are able to see your place and your responsibility to other staff.  Change happens everyday in Corrections and although the shortage will continue to be an issue in our prisons, it is our responsibility as Correctional Officers to keep staff, Inmates and our communities safe. 

 

Adversity Breads Strength

The Correctional Officer Part I

For as long as I can remember, I was always drawn to the tactical type of career because I felt that I could make a difference in that type of work. I grew up in a very small town with a brother and sister who were my best friends.  They loved the life of living in the country, rodeo, and family.  There are parts of my childhood that are very dear to me and I was blessed to have been raised in the environment my parents worked hard for.  I learned about unity, unconditional love, loyalty and the importance of work ethic.  It is only now that I appreciate how I was raised. 

As you become older and wiser, one does begin to see things differently.  For example: Every single human being was given a gift from god, a talent.  I knew early on what my talent was, but during that time my parents didn't understand me.  I pushed my limits in every way possible while growing up and I do believe that my parents were relieved when it was all over and I went out on my own.

Because I started a family a 25 years old, I changed my thought process and focused my efforts in the Mortgage Industry.  I was good at it, but it was never what I really saw myself doing and eventually I just forgot about wanting to be a Police Officer or joining the Military.  My life became about being a good wife and a good mother.  It didn't matter what I wanted.  Today I often ask god what his plan is for me?  I ask that question frequently because I truly believe that the journey I am on and the individuals that have come into my life and the challenges and changes put in the path I am walking through have brought me to the place that I am today.

I was 42 years old when I was forced to face change.  Listen, I was afraid.  The fear was in my gut all the way to its core.  I couldn't do this.  I couldn't start over after everything I put in to the life I had built.  For two years I was lost.  I didn't know where I belonged.  I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere and I couldn't bring myself back to the devoted mother my son knew.  Remember when I mentioned that Rock Bottom suddenly had a basement.  Well, I had just purchased a house when I was laid off from my job for the first time ever.  I remember that day.  I was driving home and I knew that I didn't want to give anymore and took a path that led me to distructive behavior for six months.  I could only think of making sure I got my son through his final year of high school.  As I began to see things fall apart for me, I knew that I had to take hold of my life.  I wasn't going down this way!  At 45 years old I would begin my new career. 


The fear that once took over me and my self confidence is no longer a factor.  At 47 years old, I find that this is what I was meant to do.  I did not only become a Correctional Officer, but in less than three years I was a member of the Special Operations Response Team, a mentor, Instructor and finally promoting to Sergeant at a men's federal correctional facility.  Recently, I moved to a state correctional facility working with a higher custody level.  I have created my own reality.  I will say it again... I have created my own reality.  People tried to talk me out of this.  I was too old.  What was I trying to prove?  And, let me not forget this one.  A man would never be interested in someone who works in that type of environment.  These were all distractions, but there were individuals who believed in me and because of that I became confident that I would go all the way. No one has to convince me to do what I do.  I do what I do because I do what I do! 

What I learned is that whatever people think about me and my dream is none of my business. After years of worrying how people saw me and what they think of me, I finally figured it out.  

At what degree will you work to achieve your goals?

A sense of anxiety sets in when asked to set goals.  When I ask the question, almost every individual will dance around answering.  We all know that it is important to set goals.  But at what degree will we work to achieve them.  I spoke about fear in one of my posts.  Fear is the number one reason most people will not set them or write them down.  Failure is hard for anyone to swallow, therefore if we keep our ideas and possibilities of what we are capable of achieving in our minds then no one will know if we are unable to achieve them.


I will be referring to the year of 2011 in many of my posts as I continue to write.  Here's the thing...  I wasn't certain of a damn thing when I lost my marriage, but I was 100% certain that I wanted to inspire men and women to face the hand that was dealt head on (unwanted divorce, death, substance abuse).  We all have our own demons we face and we either take control or we don't.  It was December 2011 that I set my goals and wrote those goals in a series of journals.  One of my goals was to begin a blog and eventually write a book.  Throughout these five years, I have hit rock bottom a few times and eventually found that rock bottom actually had a basement.  There are many of my friends and family who knew of this outlandish thinking and each time I spoke about it, I could hear crickets.  I understood that privacy is important to us, especially the skeletons we all have in our closets.  For me, I knew that I was going to do good things, and although I am unsure of how my story will end I am certain that if I was able to make a difference with my story in the life of just one person, well then I achieved what I set out to do.

You see, there isn't a time line in achieving goals.  There were many times I began to write, it was all bullshit by the way.  I was writing about all I was able to achieve despite the barriers.  The reader was only going to see that a forty something woman told part of the story.  How could I relate to the audience if I couldn't speak of who I really was.  It has taken five years to get to this point and so the step is big.

The new year is amongst us.  There isn't any correct way to set your goals... Just write the damn goals down!

Number 1

Remember there are no timelines. 

Number 2

Be aggressive, it is only then that you truly see what you are capable of achieving.  Who cares if you lost ten pounds.  Think bigger, think bigger thoughts.  If it is ten pounds, then lose the ten pounds and add to that by eating clean for one year, thus establishing a lifestyle change.

Number 3

Keep your goals written down and posted where you can see those set goals everyday.

Lastly, trust in your craft enough to admire it, study it, perfect it, breath it and never stop getting better at whatever it is that you are passionate about.

THE COMPETITIVE MIND

THE COMPETITIVE MIND

What drives us?  we are all driven differently.  For me when I do something, I do it 100%.  It's done this way or you just don't do it at all.  There have been occasions where I had to take a step back and reevaluate.  I was 190lbs when I began my weight training at Zia Strength Systems.  A small modest gym located in Albuquerque's South Valley.  The environment was intimidating as most members training in the gym were muscle based and pushing heavy weight and using unorthodox methods of strength training (flipping tires, pulling sleds, throwing empty kegs for distance, chains, etc.).  It was only two months before I asked Coach Trujillo permission to train with the three young ladies who were preparing for a meet.  He reluctantly agreed to let me train with them and allowed me to give it a try.  At that point i moved into warp speed as these young ladies were atleast 20 years younger than me.  I remember wondering what they thought of me?  Jacqualine, Ashely and Cassie.  after a few weeks they noticed that I was committed and they welcomed me and began to teach me.  Was I a shit show?  Absolutely.  In fact I still am.

I was going through so much turmoil in my personal life, but the men did not allow me to have one weak moment and I remember feeling safe when I was there.  The training had gotten real for me.  I was frustrated with Coach Trujillo because he would not let me put weight on the squat rack.  What the fuck was he wanting.  I felt like my form was right.  There was so much I was learning.  I was learning how to log my nightly training.  I was learning the different methods used for competition prep and didn't understand a damn thing.  Then there was Jordan.  This young, vivacious dictator who was pushing me while I was frightened of my ability to do the required movements.  He had a unique style when motivating and to the average women who tried their hand at this sport didn't want such grueling training.  When I met him my mind was weak but I knew he believed in me and before I knew it things began to fall in place.  In less than one year I competed in my first Powerlifting Meet.  I was hooked and the games began.  The gym was where I sought solace.  It was the place where the outside world and the distractions that plagued me were uninvited.  I was beginning a journey of a lifetime and I was surrounded by fearless, motivated, positive mentors.

The last meet I participated in was big.  It was going to be 12 weeks of hunkering down and using the conjugate method Coach Trujillo had put together for Ashley and I.  The method was grueling and quite frankly sucked as we were doing a max effort every night.  By week 10 both Ashley and I were having meltdowns at moments and I was beginning to feel my body shutting down.  I had never felt like this before but didn't want to say anything in fear that Jordan would tell me to shut the fuck up and train.  My shoulders were constantly aching and I remember sleeping with both arms in the air at night to alleviate the uncomfortable feeling.  Again, this meet was big.  We were competing in Sacramento, California and I had to put up respected numbers.  My squat was the most important.  I opened at 231lbs.  and ended with a PR of 267lbs.  I was stoked, but I felt something odd in my right quad.  I still had my deadlift.  It was the end of the day.  My body was tired and went into my opener at 225.  When I got to my 2nd lift at 297, Nothing!  I was stuck.  I immediately panicked and mentally gave up.  John Posen immediately approached me and used these words... "Stop mind fucking yourself and get out there and pull the bastard!"  my leg was in pain but got my wits about me and accomplished the lift with a PR of 297lbs.   I was a real Powerlifter!  The sport was not for everyone, especially women my age. It was an experience of a lifetime and although I have taken a break from it, I still think I have something left to prove to myself.

Powerlifting is all about the process.  No one likes the process.  You have to be in love with the process to achieve real success in this sport.  You don't have to be talented to achieve success but you have to grind.  When it was all over, I understood what the grind meant and each of us endured the process.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear!

Everything you want is on the other side of fear!

November 2016...  Have I figured out my purpose?  Five years ago I was faced with the biggest challenge of my life.  Fear took over the once confident Cynthia.  It paralyzed me and because of that I was unable to fully engage in a constructive environment and instead became self destructive.

Inside I was fighting because I knew what I wanted.  I was not going to find myself on my death bed when my time comes and regret that I allowed adversity to take over my life.  Look, things are going to happen to us.  People are going to disappoint us, but we must harnesh our will and let it go.  It has taken me years to accept it.

Ordinary?  Not in my vocabulary. Once I decided to look at fear in the eyes, opportunity was waiting.  at 42 years old I began a new career in Corrections, took on Powerlifting, became part of the Special Operations Response Team, tried my hand a Body Building and today I am preparing to compete in my first Jujitsu Tournament at 47 years old.   I have seen success, however, I would have to tell my readers that I am not quite sure how the hell I accomplished what I did due to my weak minded thoughts.  There were individuals who were instrumental in my success and who believed in me.  Today,  I have been massively controlling about what I allow into my headspace.  Here is where I have figured out my purpose.  My journey is important.  Sharing my story, my passions, my fears, and my darkest moments are instrumental in forming who I am and I hope that I can inspire one man or woman in their personal journeys.

This blog will give you the tools you need to challenge yourself as a human being.  You will fail.  You will suck at something, but at what degree will you work in order to achieve your goals.   You have to make a declaration and fuck the rest.  You only have one opportunity to leave your legacy.
Dreams are for dreamers and most people arn't thriving because of the sheer fear of failure.  Most of you are just coping, your not thriving.  When you figure out who you are and you cut the bullshit out of your life and move towards your goals, that is when you will see positive change.  Are you willing to cut certain people out of your life that don't contribute to your purpose?

It is my hope that this blog will bring substance to how you use your thinking process in achieving your purpose in life.  My successes have fueled my ambition and I am excited to see what lies ahead.